


Murdoc Niccals is Not My Fucking Step-father

by Marsh_Daisy



Series: "What Time is it in Darwin?" [16]
Category: Gorillaz
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, My OCs have taken over, Not Canon Compliant, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29639577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marsh_Daisy/pseuds/Marsh_Daisy
Summary: Maris Wilson's mother is a demi-goddess.Her father was a demon.Her beloved friend and confidant is The Prince of Darkness.But somehow Murdoc Niccals is the family member she objects to..
Relationships: Maris Wilson (OFC)/Dana Quinn (OFC), Murdoc Niccals/Original Female Character(s)
Series: "What Time is it in Darwin?" [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2069307
Kudos: 2





	Murdoc Niccals is Not My Fucking Step-father

Let’s start with my name. 

Maris Barbara Lucinda Stevie Wilson.

Daughter of - for fuck’s sake - Kimberly Sybelle Gaetane Aretha Wilson. A name that inspires fear in Celestials and lust in the Lower Realm.

If Dana and I ever have kids, that bullshit ends.

******************

Let’s move on - quickly - to my upbringing.

In brief: mother is a demi-goddess. She uses her powers to pass herself off as more-or-less a psychic. It’s not what she is, but as she says, it’s the word that sells. Mother is a savvy business woman. She gave me an excellent start: a beautiful home, a comfortable life, a good education. She raised me to be a strong, independent woman blah blah blah. I was lucky. A lot of kids have it worse.

I suppose that makes me sound ungrateful.

No, it’s not about gratitude. It’s about realizing I saw her differently than every other person who came into her life.

******************

My father was a demon; clearly mother had no issue tossing her Armani dress on a chair and kicking off her Louboutins to hop into bed with the first set of horns that turned in her direction. She told me years after she needed to. Underestimated me from the start. Set of genes I had and she really thought I didn’t know? Not to mention my favorite Uncle clearly had more going on than met the eye. Human eye, anyway. 

We sat on the dock, which was becoming the “having a talk” location at the new house.

“What do you want to do for dinner?” she asked me.

“Can I make chowder? Do we have some shrimp?”

“I think so.”

“We should go sailing this weekend, Mama.” I said. I called her “mama.” I really did.

“We can do that.” She reached out with her foot and gave the boat a poke with her toe. "Maris, honey? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“What?”

“Well. It’s a bit about me, and a bit about your grandfather, and a bit about- your father.”

“Oh. Is Uncle Lu my father?”

“What? No. I told you - your father is dead. I didn’t really know him. But he gave me the best thing ever.”

I kept to our tradition. “No, you’re the best thing ever.” Nauseating.

“No, you are, my sweet buttercup. But no- Uncle Lu is not your father, though I do care about him very much and he adores you.”

“But my father was a demon, right?”

She stared at me with her mouth hanging open.

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? 

“Did Uncle Lu say something to you?”

“Mama. He didn’t have to say anything. If you know things then it makes sense that I do, too, right?”

She was still staring at me. “When my father told me-”

“You already knew. Only thing I wondered was how did my father die? I mean - aren’t they pretty hard to kill? Demons?”

“As a general rule,” she replied. “But.” She hesitated, then seemed to make up her mind. “Not for your Uncle Lu.”

Which gave me two pieces of information I already knew but wanted to hear from her. “Why did he do it?”

She closed her eyes. “Not something I want to talk about, my precious poppy. Trust me when I say he had his reasons.”

“You know, if you really wanted to keep it more hush-hush, mother, ‘Uncle Lu’ was a stupid thing to call him.”

****************** 

“Uncle Lu, what is it about her has everyone eating out of her fucking hand as soon as they meet her?”

We had ice cream cones and sitting at Powell's Cove Park, watching the water birds feed. I love their long goofy legs.

“It’s called ‘grace," Maris. Your mother emanates it. It’s a celestial thing. Her mother was a pure soul as well, with a natural grace of her own.”

“I’m a quarter celestial. Nobody fucking treats me that way.”

“Yes, my dear, but you’re half demon. You can’t tap into that grace naturally. You’re more demon than celestial. You’re more demon than human. Fact is, I don't think there's ever been an individual like you.”

Thanks again, mother.

“Uncle Lu,” I said, “I need to know something. Please.”

“What is it, my dear?”

“I want to know why you killed my father.” I said it very matter-of-factly, and licked some chocolate ice cream off my hand.

Uncle Lu pressed his lips together for a moment, then said, “That’s not really mine to tell, Maris.”

“Seems like it would be, actually.”

“No. It would have to be up to your mother.”

I glared at him. “She won’t tell me. And since there were three people involved and one of them ain’t here to tell the tale, I would say you owe me at least 50% of the story.”

He remained silent and I burst out, “I think I have a right to know! It’s not that I don’t trust your infernal wisdom, Uncle Beast of the Bottomless Pit, but I would at least like to know exactly what he did that you tossed him a lake of fire-”

“I didn’t.”

“Well whatever you did-”

“I burned him." He spoke very slowly, as though savoring the memory. "I burned him down to a cinder, a smear of ash. I incinerated the execrable piece of filth in front of My court while he groveled on his knees begging Me for mercy. As though any being could expect that from Me. I burned him slowly. We watched his skin split open and his flesh cook and his bones turn black and we basked in his light and heat as he screamed.”

I let my ice cream melt down my wrist as I stared at him. My heart pounded. I’ve never been afraid of my Uncle Lu in my life, but at that moment I saw him the way the rest of the universe must. “Why? What- what had he done?”

He didn’t respond. His ice cream started to drip as well; he glanced down at it and it disappeared.

“It must have been bad? Right? I mean, that’s a pretty heavy-handed reaction, even for you? What did he do?”

“He attempted to remove you from your mother.”

“Remove?”

“He agreed upon your conception he would have no part in your upbringing. Your mother wanted a child, not a partner. But he changed his mind. He came to her when she was a month away from giving birth to you. He planned to slash your mother open with his claws, rip you from her body, and leave her to bleed to death.”

I turned away from him and threw up.

He handed me some of the napkins from the ice cream truck. I wiped my tears and then my mouth.

He waited patiently.

“You saved her?” I whispered.

“No one needs to save your mother. She punched him, and threw a chair at him. Then she let her Celestial presence shine through her humanity. And he ran like the scared piece of shit he was.” His voice was tight, and fury shone in his eyes. “By the time he returned to My Realm I already knew what he had done. I called him before Me and showed My court what happened to those who would dare lay a hand on her or try to harm you.”

His voice had grown deeper as he spoke. By the time he finished I could feel it rumble underneath me, shaking the rocks we sat on.

I leaned against his arm, secure in the strength of his devotion to mother and to me. I was protected in a way no other person ever has been, nor ever will be.

“I always wished you were really my father.”

He kissed me on the head. “I know, my dear.” He sat back and gazed out at the water for a moment. Then he whispered, “Me too.”

******************

I have far better taste than mother.

Runs more along the lines of petite, red-haired women with big tits and awesome asses. Dana fits to perfection. But her perfection doesn’t stop there.

She is the kindest, most patient person I’ve ever known. She searches for goodness in everyone she meets. And since she’s looking for it, she always finds it. She’s a veterinary assistant, and it suits her. She can quiet any dog, calm any cat, restrain any squirmy ferret or guinea pig or whatever else wiggly furry thing. And she does the same with people.

She’s perfect.

Why the fuck she wastes her time with me is a mystery. All I can do is be grateful for it and do my best to treat her even a tenth of how she treats me.

I met her at Columbia. That was the year mother’s friend Russ came back from England with her and Aunt Babette. I understand there was some weirdness going on there, but I never got any details. I’d lay money mother was the cause. It gave me a connection, though, as Russ had a business venture in mind and I was smart enough to jump on it. I was headed into my senior year, and I was feeling pretty emboldened by my success in my first management position. While I was riding high on this surge of self-confidence, I decided it was time to make the beautiful woman in my international trade class mine.

I had some level of experience.

Not in finding girlfriends so much as finding women to fuck. That’s the easy part.

The honest-to-goodness I-really-care-about- you romance-and-moonlight shit?

Not so much.

Dana made me want to. I didn’t want an easy lay. I wanted a walk in the park. I wanted to give her a single red rose. I wanted to waltz with her under the stars. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Apparently this is called “love.”

******************

“I’ve had limited experience. As in none.”

“Well, I love you. And your mother loves you.”

“Bleah.”

Uncle Lu and I sat side-by-side on the dock. There should be a sign that reads: “Serious conversation only - no chit-chat allowed.”

“What do you mean ‘bleah?’ You cast aside our love so easily?”

I could tell he was teasing, but there’s always something underneath. 

“It’s in mother’s nature, and the other half is accounted for by that ‘mother-love’ nonsense.”

He laughed. “What’s my excuse then?”

I shrugged. “I’m just so damned cute? Maybe you just love the demon in me.”

“That pre-assumes that I love demons. I assure you, I do not.”

I was growing genuinely puzzled. “Why then? What’s the draw?”

He absently pushed one of the moored kayaks with his foot. “She placed you in my keeping. That’s not something I ever expected.”

  
“Ah. Thought so. You’re merely obligated to love me.”

He grumbled a tiny bit. “Since Creation I have never acted out of a sense of obligation to anyone. You should know this, Maris. You took religion courses at school.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, ‘Theory-Transmission and Community Formation’ gave me such insight, Uncle Lu.”

“You know something? That right there is why I love you.”

******************

With that utterly useless conversation behind me, I decided to go with the obvious: just be myself.

If I scared her off within the first five minutes it would save us both a lot of time.

To my surprise, she agreed to have coffee with me.

To my astonishment, she suggested dinner over the weekend.

To my inexpressible shock, I didn’t try to get her into bed after dinner.

By the end of that evening, I was in love. A few kisses outside the door of her apartment left me floating on air for the rest of the week. I detest myself for using that phrase, but none other suffices.

I wooed her - that’s just horrible too - for weeks.

Physically we crept along like snails - one very horny snail whose impatience was at war with her desire to make this courtship phase last.

Courtship is almost as bad as woo.

But once we started moving bedward, she embarrassedly told me why she needed so much time.

Fucking hell, I’d found a virgin.

“That’s- it’s not a problem, is it Maris?” She looked at me anxiously.

This is the part where I was supposed to say, “Of course not, my darling! I’m so happy you’ve kept your purity in these debased times.”

So of course I said, “What the fuck, Dana? Really? Holy shit.” Then I clapped both hands over my mouth. I said from behind my fingers, “Can I try that again? And can I have five bonus points for honesty?”

She nodded.

“Phew. Okay. I rephrase: Holy fucking shit, Dana.”

She shook her head. “That’s not much of an improvement.”

I stared at her. Gods, she was beautiful. I’d never seen such deep auburn hair. Perfect cheekbones, sea-green eyes. Fuck. My mouth waters when I look at her. “You’re right. I guess I need help here.”

“Try: ‘I’m cool with that Dana, because I really care for you and I understand that my upbringing is different from yours and I am in a different place in my life journey.’ I could accept that, I think.”

“Okay. Yeah. All that. Wasn’t that easy?”

She sighed. “Maris, we haven’t met each other's parents but if you could meet mine you’d understand. But you never will because if I ever introduced you I’d be disowned before you could say ‘Pleased to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Quinn.’”

My eyes widened. “That bad?”

“They’re fanatical. And their church is very small and judgmental. They're the only ones going to heaven. They’re very anti-gay. And very unaware that their only daughter is a- a lesbian.”

“Dana. Holy fuck.”

“They might also have an issue with your language, but I think it would be eclipsed by you being a woman.”

How about being one quarter woman? I hadn’t told Dana quite everything about myself yet.

The holidays are going to be so much fun.

******************

You may ask yourself why I didn’t go to mother for advice on love, choosing rather a being primarily known for toasting sinners like so many marshmallows over a campfire. This is where we talk about the type of person mother falls for.

Not type.

Just person.

Her “beast.” 

My mother should go to hell. My father not withstanding, the dating pool there is a fuckload better. Anything would be better than that creature she brought home from Ireland with her. I don’t know what the fuck he poisoned her with, but he has mother wrapped around his disgusting, pointy-nailed fingers.

Maybe it’s just the demon in me that resents him.

But of all the souls in all the dimensions in all the Realms, THIS is the one she chooses?

She introduced me to him at a picnic at Aunt Bab’s. All casual “here he is” and moving on. 

At the time I was more concerned about my own love life than hers; I started bringing Dana with me to dinners and outings and she was a bit nervous. We said nothing. My woman was still coming to terms with who she was. She wasn’t ready to be put on the spot at family events.

Noodle moved in with mother and her creature after 2D broke her heart. Idiot. She made things more interesting. Took a bit of mother's attention away from me.

By that time it was quite clear the creature was not going away.

To my tremendous relief, neither was Dana. But he had no issue with the sacred and profane aspects of the Wilson women; I couldn’t be as certain of the woman I adored.

******************

"Just tell her. Just like that?" I snorted. "That's rich, Uncle Prince of Lies."

He sighed. "By now you should know better than to buy into everything the rabble calls Me. I've never lied to you, and I don't advise you to do so."

"This isn't just any old skeleton in the standard family closet. I've never told a soul about mother's pitchfork fetish."

He raised an eyebrow but let that go. "Didn't you tell Me you think you love her?"

I pictured her shining curls, her freckled nose, her impressive and intriguing cleavage. And I thought about her warmth, her positive nature, her love for animals. And my shock that those things had come to matter more. I risked losing all of that.

"I do love her. Everything about her." I closed my eyes. "And she will never love me once she knows who I am."

"You have to take that chance. Trust me, Maris - leaving things unsaid only delays heartbreak."

******************

I would never hold anything about Dana’s family against her. It was time to reciprocate the faithful honesty she had shown, consequences be damned.

Ahem.

So that Saturday I ordered pizza and we snuggled up on the couch and I prepared to ruin the tender scene and my entire life in one convenient little moment.

I paused between episodes and she looked up at me, puzzled. Her head rested on my shoulder.

“Dana. You told me some things about your family Thursday and I have to do the same.” I chewed on my lip and tried to decide where to start. “All right. Okay.” I licked my lips. “Right. Okay.”

She sat up. “Sooner or later you need to get past filler words. I’ll be here cheering you on.”

“Okay. So. Mother. Mother is a psychic. Only she isn’t. Not really. She’s more of a- Well. She’s sort of- She’s not really actually of this world. Kind of.”

Dana sat with her mouth open. “Maris. Is this a joke? I was honest with you about my family. Are you making fun of me?” Her lip quivered. “Why would you do that?”

“Dana - no! I am not. I’m being honest with you because you were honest with me. And trust me - that was the easy part.”

She moved farther away from me, down to the other end of the couch. She was shaking.

“Please - please Dana - I know this sounds insane. But I mean- a lot of people believe in angels, right? Like I’m sure your parents must? Maybe I shouldn’t have brought them into this,” I said belatedly. “But lots of people do, right? And there’s all sorts of things like angels, and gods, and spirits and messengers and what-nots. And sometimes they stroll on down here and get involved with human people. And that’s how mother came about. Her mother was a human, and her father- well, my grandfather was sort of a god.”

Dana stood up and backed away from me, heading to the door. Man, I hadn’t even gotten to the good part yet.

I got off the couch and got down on my knees. “Dana, this is me begging you. Don’t leave. This is Maris I-am-on-the-fucking-floor here. Please. Please don’t go.”

She stood with one hand on the doorknob.

“Dana, I’ve never told another soul, living or dead. You’re the only one I need to understand this. I never cared so much before. No one needed to know any of this shit. Please.”

She nodded, but didn’t leave her position by the door.

“So. Okay. That means- mother is sort of a goddess. Kind of. And boy oh boy does she fucking act like it. She’s kinda full of herself. You know how she is - you've seen her in action. So she’s that. And so I’m a quarter that. But I’m also other things. And I’m one quarter human, and that’s because the other things - thing - I am is.” Now or never, Maris. Now or fucking never. “What I am is half demon. My father was a demon. Mother kind of had a thing for demons. A demon would be better than what she has now. But my father is dead - that’s kind of a long story. Not that this wasn’t. But. That’s pretty much it. And my knees hurt, so I’m going to stand up now. But please pretend I’m still kneeling because I’m actually still sort of begging you, okay?”

I stood but made no movement toward her.

“And- your mother- told you all of this?”

“Yeah. Her and my Uncle Lu. He knew my father. Briefly. I never met my grandparents. I’ve seen pictures of them. And mother has told me lots of stories. He was very kind and generous, and he took good care of them. Mother and my grandmother, I mean. Everyone loved him. He died when she was 12.”

“Died? How does a god ‘die’?” she asked, with a touch of sarcasm.

“Well, the human body is just a vessel. His body ended up with cancer. Mother’s vulnerable, too. I mean, goddess or not you better believe she gets a mammogram every year. Her mother had a stroke. Died when mother was 22.”

“And your father is dead?”

“Yup. He’s dead too.”

“He was a human- vessel- also?”

“No, he was just all demon. But he kinda pissed off another demon and things didn’t go so well.”

I took a step toward her and she put her hand back on the doorknob.

“Dana, you can go ahead and go.” I picked up her handbag from the end table and set it on the floor, then pushed it toward her with my foot, like she was a dog I was afraid of spooking. “I won’t stop you. I needed you to know all of this. I want to be with you. I care so much about you and you shared with me and I needed to share with you and I know it sounds- well. It sounds like what it just sounded like. So. If you need to go, I understand. I do.”

Her hand dropped off the doorknob. “I’m not going. I’m not going anywhere.”

******************

“How do people know for sure they’re right for each other and why does it change? I love Dana. She might love me. I’m terrified of asking her. What if she doesn’t? Or worse - what if she does and we make plans for a life together and then she stops? What will I do?” I looked at Uncle Lu. “How do you know when it’s going to last forever?”

“Don’t ask me. I know forever pretty well, but the vagaries of humans - too much free will. It was a bad move on Somebody’s part, but trust me - I can’t resent Him for it.” He laughed. “I wouldn't be the man I am today.”

“Just - how can I know it will last? Noodle just knew 2D was the right person and now she knows he wasn't and he just knows Lily is the right person and they still pissed each other off. And mother and him- just. I can't fathom."

"Honestly, they're the best example of that utter certainty. She never doubted from the first moment she saw him."

"Ew."

"I know." He shook his head. "There's no doubt in his mind either. It's- mutual admiration. And respect. And passion."

"I repeat: Ew."

"You're asking me how a person knows for sure. You have two people close at hand who do."

I flopped onto my back on the dock. “As illuminating as this has been, Uncle Morning Star, this hasn’t helped my problem.”

“I’m the Supreme Ruler of Hell, my dear, not Yahoo Answers.”

******************

Sooner or later certainty started to creep in on little rat feet. She made it clear that I was exactly what she wanted. She admired my strength, my willingness to speak my mind - even though I told her I couldn't stop that if I tried. She admired my skills as a business person - even if I couldn’t keep track of my own personal accounts. She loved how conversant I was in matters of “culture” - all those concerts and museums and charity gatherings with mother to thank for that. Those things were mysteries to a woman who had been raised like she had. It was one of the reasons she never said no when mother invited us on outings. Free food also factored. Both of us had student loans to deal with, after all.

Whatever it was that I had become over the course of a life in which I had resisted nearly every good thing presented to me was just what she wanted.

Go figure.

That certainty had dropped onto me like a wet towel on a bathroom floor when I kissed her goodnight after our first date. It was all I could do to keep myself from proposing to her that night and immediately searching for a house after a night of passionate fuck- tender lovemaking.

That night took a while to arrive.

I didn’t need advice from Uncle Lu or anyone else. Once she slipped out of those adorable green polka dot leggings I was in my element. I knew how to make her hips rise a foot off the bed, how to make her shake and cry. Every second was exactly as I had imagined and worked myself into a frenzy over. But the most amazing moment came after, when she rested in my arms and whispered, “I love you, Maris” in her soft, sweet voice. She had my heart forever. I had hers and I vowed to take such care of it that she would never doubt how much I loved her.

Everything changed for both of us. “If” became “when” and then “when” became now. I ditched my little studio and we moved into a bright and breezy apartment near her veterinary clinic. We were out to everyone now, and my woman held her head high when she said “lesbian” instead of lowering her voice to a whisper.

Mother helped us decorate and celebrated with us. She took us shopping. She and Dana picked everything out. Then she treated us to lunch in Manhattan, and when we met a few of her friends and clients - as we invariably did - she proudly introduced “my daughter and her partner.”

But Dana’s parents were an entirely different matter.

She rarely spoke of them. I knew they were in India doing missionary work. Her brothers lived together in Colorado, and Dana was expected to move back there after graduation - which not one of them attended. She put them off, claiming she had an internship, but after six months her brothers started pressing her to return home. 

About a month after we moved in together the oldest called to check on her. She assured him she was still doing her internship and still living in the women’s only building near the campus. Her hand shook as she set the phone down on our bed.

“Why don’t you just fucking tell them, Dana?” asked her forthright and refreshingly honest partner. “How bad can it be?”

She shook her head. “Their beliefs are very clear. I would never see any of them ever again.”

"Well- I mean, isn't that a good thing? Fuck, Dana - if they can't accept you then the best thing that could happen-"

"The best thing that could happen is that they would learn to accept me! The best thing that could happen is that would say we love you, we support you! I love them! They're my parents! I love them! You can't understand this?"

"No. I guess I can't."

"You have a mother who's open to ideas and respects people's differences. You have your Uncle Lu who sees things as they really are. And you have-"

"Don't you fucking dare, Dana."

"No! I'm going to. You have Murdoc. They'd do anything for you. I have- people who mapped out a life for me. Protected me from everything - everything beautiful and exciting and sensual and intriguing. They gave me one way to live, one book to read, one path to take. You don't know what it is to be raised like that and you can't know how much of it I will carry forever. You can't."

All I could do was hold her and try to soothe her. She was right. I couldn’t comprehend the type of people who would cut their only daughter out of their lives for being nothing more or less than the god they claimed to believe in had made her. And I couldn’t comprehend why she would still love them - how she could hold on to just the good things they had done for her and not see that all those things were overshadowed by their hatred. It is hatred, no matter what they wanted to call it. I just stroked her hair and rocked her while she cried.

******************

“I don’t understand. I don’t. You have a baby, you love her and you raise her and you wipe her ass and dry her tears and teach her how to ride a bike and then one day you say, ‘you don’t exist to us any more.’ It's breaking her fucking heart, Uncle Lu - that precious perfect heart of hers.” I started crying.

He handed me a napkin. We met at an ice cream parlor - my tastes had evolved from drippy ice cream cones to complex creations with at least two types of fruit and three syrups. Leona’s had everything and the owner herself regarded me as a challenge. As so many people seem to.

Not this one. “Hate has no explanation, only excuses to justify an unreasonable and repulsive emotion.”

“How can it be so strong as to rip a parent and their child apart?”

“Their beliefs are motivated by fear.”

“What’s to be fucking afraid of?”

“Their Creator. They see Him as vengeful and cruel, and fear angering Him.”

“Not the case, huh?”

“No. That is not an accurate appraisal of Him. Mind, He and I don’t see eye-to-eye on much, but- Remember when I said not to give credence to the names and ideas ascribed to Me? Same goes for Him. Humans try to describe Us in whatever way they please, but they base it on their own traits. Their weaknesses.”

I laughed. “If only they knew you as the ice-cream loving smart-ass I do.”

He stuck his spoon in my sundae; the ice cream melted away from it as he scooped up strawberry cheesecake. “Don’t tell anyone.” He savored the ice cream. “I am a very simple Eternal and Almighty Ineffable Entity, and so is He. He wants to love and be loved. All else is superfluous. And to love Him is to love one another. Those who truly follow Him understand and lead lives of shining grace. Those who only claim to follow - you are experiencing.”

“What can I do? I can’t invite Him for ice cream with Dana’s parents. Can I?”

He set his spoon down and smirked. “You can try. As far as I know I’m the only Supreme Ruler of any realm at your beck and call.”

I scraped my bowl clean. “Too bad. Leona would definitely have fun making a sundae to please God.”

“He’d say He was pleased with it no matter what. That’s the type of guy He is.” Uncle Lu stood up and pulled me into an embrace. “I can feel how it hurts your heart, Maris. Your love can’t fill the empty spaces where theirs is not, but don’t let that stop you from trying.”

******************

Monday I had to pick Dana up early from work to get her new glasses. She always walks or takes the bus to the veterinary clinic; it’s only a few blocks and I need my car to get to Queens. So aggravating as hell when I hit the gas at an intersection and heard a clunk and the car barely moved. I puttered into an empty lot that used to be a gas station.

I don’t have roadside assist on my insurance because I was strapped when I renewed it. I was strapped now - no money for a cab. Shit. Russ was at the gym, boxing. Aniyah would be in class. The daycare is on the other side of mother’s.

Okay.

Her creature answered.

“Good afternoon, Maris. I’ll start right off with ‘what do you need?’”

“Why are you answering mother’s phone?”

“Your mother is currently in the pool, swimming laps and crying.”

Fair enough. The pool is where mother works off the stress caused by some of her more challenging jobs. Some encounters were very draining and psychically painful. I was quite accustomed to this when I was growing up. She would be of no use to anyone until she recovered.

“Shit.”

“I repeat myself: What do you need, Maris?”

“A ride. Fast. I’m supposed to pick Dana up to go get her new glasses. My car is currently sitting in an empty lot on Third and Elmwood and it won’t start.”

“I’ll be right there.”

I paced back and forth by my car. Then I thought to tie something to the mirror - people do that when their car is broken to tell the world their owner is a loser who doesn’t have any common sense. I rummaged through the mess in my backseat for a plastic grocery bag, and tied it on, then locked the door and walked over to the corner to wait.

He was fast, I’ll give him that. I told him the best way to the veterinarian’s and we fell into silence. It’s not a question of comfortable or uncomfortable silence between us. Just always silence. What the fuck do I have to say to him?

Dana was waiting in the lobby. “I’m sorry I’m late,” I said, kissing her. “My stupid car was being stupid. I got us a ride.”

Dana slid into the passenger seat and put her hand on his arm. “Thank you for coming to our rescue. Do you mind waiting while I’m there? It shouldn't take long. We could call a cab after I’m done if you can’t.”

“Don’t mind at all. I have some changes to make for the show, as it happens. I can work on that.”

“What are you changing?”

“I’m making every song our leading prat sings more difficult. He’s getting lazy.”

Dana gave him directions. He dropped us at the door of the optometrist. I followed her in. While I waited I called my friend Gavin, who owns a shop. He said he could have my car towed before he closed and take a look at it tomorrow.

“Can we take you out for lunch as a thank you?” Dana asked when she slipped back in his car.

He shook his head. “I should get back to my apricot. If she’s done with her mermaid imitation it’s time to start pouring scotch into her.” 

When we got home Dana tossed her bag on the table and I flung myself onto the couch. “Gah. What a disaster.”

“Not really,” Dana said, snuggling against me. “We did fine, thanks to Murdoc. Which reminds me: you didn’t say thanks to Murdoc.”

I didn’t respond.

“When someone helps you, you thank them.”

“He wasn’t helping me, he was helping you. And you thanked him. So all set there.” I hopped up and headed to the kitchen. “Do you want an early dinner or a late lunch?”

“He helps me because of you.”

“He likes you better than me, is what you’re saying.” I opened the freezer and poked around. “Are you good with chicken fingers? Or should I defrost one of these pork thingies? We have time. Which also means we have time for my woman to toss a dessert together, she hinted with her typical lack of subtlety.”

“Maris. Do you value me so little that you can’t thank him for helping me?”

“Jesus Christ, Dana. It’s not a big fucking deal. If I did thank him he’d fall over dead in shock. Which wouldn’t trouble me, but it would make it slightly more difficult for mother to talk to him.” I shut the freezer door and walked back over to the sofa and plopped down next to her. “Baby, I love how you’re always looking for the good things and bright sides and chocolate fillings but he has none of those things.”

She let it drop at that point. “Can I have your phone?” she asked, since hers was in her bag on the table and mine is always in my pocket.

I wiggled it out for her. “Watcha looking for?”

“A luscious dessert recipe to see if I can sweeten up the woman I love.” She smiled at me.

I kissed her nose. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

******************

Mother's creature had hauled Noodle and the dipshit to New York with the promise of their name in lights on Broadway. When mother told me their musical was based on me - by way of Russ's brilliant idea - I nearly shit myself. Russ is a fucking genius - easily the most talented of their group. Dana starred in musicals at school and at Park Slope community theater. She was fucking mind-blowing. I came to her shows before I had the nerve to ask her out the first time, and sat in the audience awash in hopeless infatuation. My woman deserved a starring role in Russel’s production and she got it. She didn't just nail the audition - she pounded that motherfucker into the ground. Her sneaky girlfriend didn't give her quite all the details - Dana was shocked to find she'd be playing me. Seeing her rehearse brought back the flush of excitement of listening to her incredible voice before she even knew my name.

The dipshit's girlfriend Lily had been tapped to fix up the dilapidated disaster mother's creature bought on a whim. National Velvet and I got pretty tight. She was as soaked as I was watching our stars do their thing. The show was a moderate hit, clearly because of the lead woman’s talent and beauty. Dana carefully balanced it with her work at the veterinary clinic, and resisted sweetly when the creature decided he was adding four million extra shows. My woman's charm at work. He never would have caved to any of the others.

******************

The second week of November Dana called while I was at work, which was unusual.

“Can you grab these?” I asked Jude, turning from the fry machine and answering my phone.

“Okay, don’t panic, Maris-”

“What? What is it? What’s going on?”

“Remember four seconds ago when I said don’t panic?” She laughed. “I’m in the emergency room. I had a little accident at work. Mads drove me over but he needs to get back. You can finally earn your place as the emergency contact in my phone.”

I was already taking off my Hobb’s Hot Sauce apron. “I’m on my way.” I hung up the apron and grabbed my keys from my desk. “Jude-”

“‘Can you handle things on your own for the rest of the day?’” he finished in monotone. “Can I call Desiree in?”

“Yeah, no prob. It’s Dana-”

“Nothing else would make you move that fast. What happened?”

“She didn’t say. Just to meet her at the emergency room.” I slammed the back door of the truck and ran to my car.

I was directed to room three - a complete bullshit terminology since there are no rooms, just confusing webs of curtains on mazes of tracks. She was sitting up on the bed, her ankle wrapped in bandages. She smiled when she saw me.

“Baby, what happened?” I hurried to her side and kissed her cheek.

She gestured to her foot. “This. I- fell. In the hallway at work.”

“Are you done here already? You only just called. I came as fast as I could.”

She sighed. “I’m still filling out paperwork. Then I need an x-ray. Then a cast. Then prescriptions for mega-painkillers. Then you can take me home and treat me like a queen - not that you don’t already.”

“But you’re all bandaged up.”

“Mads and Cheryl did it. I’m not a german shepherd but they did their best.”

A nurse stepped in with a clipboard at that point. Dana signed a few more sheets and then the nurse helped her into a wheelchair. Off to radiology.

We made it home about two hours later, Dana floating happily on whatever they gave her before they set the cast. I carried her in. When we got up to our apartment I swept through the door like a groom on his wedding night.

The same thought occurred to Dana. She giggled. “This is just like when we get married. I'll be wearing a long lace dress. Will you wear a top hat and a tuxedo?”

I set her down on the couch. “I'll wear whatever you want, baby. Do you have to pee before I get you settled in?”

She giggled again. “My romantic woman. I’m talking about our wedding day and she asks me if I need to pee.”

“One of us needs to be the practical one.”

“I’m good for now.” She shifted her hips and I moved one of the pillows for her to put her foot up. “Maris, can I have the yellow afghan?”

I nodded. Mother gave it to me when we moved in here. Her mother made it. I rummaged in the closet, and brought it out to Dana. I tucked it around her carefully, unwillingly remembering how often mother did the same for me when I was a little girl.

“You’re so good to me, my Maris,” she mumbled sleepily.

“I gotta be good for something, right?” I watched her as she drifted off. She’s beautiful when she sleeps. She’s always beautiful, but it takes a special grace to make snoring and drooling look good.

I reluctantly called mother and left a message. I called Urdek to get an idea of when she might be home.

“Well, she should be with her last client, but it’s a doozy and it’s out near Montauk. She’ll be a bit. Is something wrong?”

Even her imp knows I wouldn’t be calling if I didn’t need something. “Dana took a fall at work. I know it would mean a lot to her if mother could come over.”

“Oh, badness gracious! Is Ms. Dana okay?”

“Yeah. She broke her ankle but it was a clean break, which I guess is a good thing? The doctor said it will heal up fast.”

“I’m so happy to hear that. Well, if you left a message for Boss Kimberly I’m sure she’ll be there as quickly as she can. Can I have anything sent over? Flowers or a nice fruit basket?”

“Ooh- yeah. One of those cookie bouquets, okay?”

“Of course, Ms. Maris. Please give Ms. Dana my love.” 

When someone buzzed from the lobby an hour and a half later I figured it was mother or the cookie delivery. It was not.

I buzzed him up and opened the door. He clumped through with two large shopping bags, labelled with the name of a store I didn’t recognize. He set them by the door, then walked over and pulled the wingback chair closer to the sofa. I stood by the door with my arms folded.

Dana was awake and smiling. She reached out to clasp his hand. “Thank you so much for coming, Murdoc. You’re my first visitor.”

“You know break a leg is just an expression, right?”

“I suspect that will not be the only time I hear that joke.”

“Funniest coming from me.”

“Murdoc, I'm so sorry-”

He waved his hand. “No need, no need-”

“But I've left you in a real pickle. You added those shows-”

“Cheyenne knows your songs well enough. I’ll get our leading man - and I use the term as loosely as his head is screwed on - to coach her.”

“Oh, tell them both thank you from me.”

“I’ll tell her.”

I nudged the bag with my foot. “Did Urdek send these over?”

He stood up to retrieve the bags. “I did some shopping.”

“You?”

“One walks into a store and exchanges money for desired items. I have done it before as it happens.” He set the bags on the floor in front of Dana, who squirmed further upright.

“This is all for me?”

He nodded. “To keep you occupied while you recover.”

She reached into the first bag and unwrapped the tissue paper. It revealed a box with a picture of pink pastry bags. “Oh, this is wonderful!” she exclaimed. “This is a really nice set.”

He pulled out the next thing. “They said this goes with it.”

It was a plastic divider box filled with little metal things. “Oh, my goodness - this is every tip I could ever want. Murdoc, this is amazing.” She set them down on the coffee table and he handed her another package. This contained what looked like a bunch of plastic rectangles and curly things.

“What are those?” I asked. I finally joined them and perched on the edge of the couch.

“You use them on the sides or the top, to make a texture and designs.”

The remainder of the bag held more cake-y things, plus cookie cutters, a marble rolling pin, and a scoop for dough.

“The other bag has pans,” he said. “They told me what to get. Cookie sheets. Tart pans. Something with a hook on the side-”

“That’s a springform,” Dana explained.

“That’s the fellow. And all shapes of cakes.” He looked at her slyly. “Obviously I expect to act as quality inspector for everything you make.”

“Murdoc, this is everything I could possibly need. Thank you so much." She squeezed his hand again.

The buzzer blatted and this time it was mother. She breezed inside in her typical mother-y fashion. “My darling! I’m so happy to see a smile on your face. How’s the pain? I can help with that, you know.”

The creature vacated the chair so mother could hover. He kissed her as he stood. I looked away.

“Asmodeus! Did you get all these lovely things for her?” She picked up the pastry bag set. “I dashed right here - I wanted to stop and get something but you did perfectly well on your own.”

“I’m sure they’ll bill you,” I said.

He glared at me and nearly snarled. “Happens I have money of my own. I am a very successful very-nearly Broadway director.”

Mother turned to Dana. “What happened, my sweet ferret?”

“I slipped,” she said shortly.

“On what?” I asked. “You never said.”

She pressed her lips together. “This goes no further than this room, right?”

We all nodded.

“Dog shit,” she said flatly. “I slipped in a big ol' pile of dog shit.”

******************

Proved my worth as emergency contact, proved my worth as care-giver to my exquisite queen, proved- my worth. The things I knew about myself - smart as hell, sarcastic asshole, honest to a fault - were nothing to what I discovered about myself in service to her.

Russ visited, mother and her creature visited, Bob the Builder and her brainless husband visited, various friends and sycophants. They all brought food and flowers and fun conversation for my woman.

But I helped her lower herself onto the toilet and helped her back up again. I wrapped her cast in plastic and stayed with her as she perched on the little bench in the shower. I ran out in the middle of the night for snacks, ran to the pharmacy, ran to the clinic. I drove her back and forth to every appointment. I cooked - I actually cooked - whatever she asked for.

And after a few days I realized with a shock I could add unselfish and devoted to what I knew about myself.

******************

“Dana?” I called, tossing my jacket on the table. “Your woman has returned. She smells like grease and hot sauce, but she's home.”

She was sitting on our bed, looking dazed. “Thomas just landed at JFK. He's coming to take me home.”

"The fuck he is! Why? Why now?"

“He got the bill for the emergency room. I’m still on my father's insurance. The paperwork had this address on it.”

“Shit.”

“He called yesterday and left a message to call him. I didn't. So he’s coming to fetch me."

"So we don't open the fucking door. Dana, you're a grown woman. Driver's license, diploma, enormous boobs. Woman."

“If it were Stephen it might be okay.” She folded her hands and stared at them. “But it’s Thomas and he's always scared me. He’s big like our father, and he’s loud like our father.”

"You still don't have to see him!"

"Yes, I do. I'm not going to be a coward. I'm going to face him."

"You're shaking."

"We don't do defiance. I never defied them. Ever."

"I've had some experience in the field of defiance, as it happens."

“I know, Maris. But this is my fight.”

“You need back-up. You need back-up? We’ve got back-up. I got this.” I went back out to grab my phone from my jacket pocket. “Hello, mother. I need you here. Dana has an old fashioned show-down brewing, and I want emergency reinforcements.”

“What’s going on?”

“Her brother is coming with the ludicrous intention of taking her back to Colorado with him.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Mother- Bring him.”

"Are you sure, my sweet pea?"

"Mother, sunshine and rainbows are not what I need here. I need carrion and worms."

“I understand.” She ended the call.

“All set,” I said brightly. “The way he drives they’ll be here before your brother easily.”

“I can do this, Maris.”

“Yes, you can. And you’ll have us in case you need moral support. Well, support, anyway.”

“Right. Yes.” She stood, nodding. “My back-up. My family. My team.” I helped her into the living room.

Mother and her one man entourage arrived in record time. “What do you need from us, my mousie?” She hugged Dana, rubbing her back.

“I don’t know. I just need to know you’re here if I need you.”

“Shall we lurk in the bedroom and eavesdrop?” he suggested. “Then I can make my trademark dramatic entrance.”

“Lurking is a good idea,” mother agreed.

The lobby buzzed, and Dana hobbled over. She pressed the intercom and said, “Come on up, Thomas.” She opened the door and went back to stand by the couch, where she could lean on the arm a bit.

“You’re stronger than you know, baby. Show him who you are.” We retreated to our lair.

The floor plan of our apartment is wide open, so the only place to lie in wait was our bedroom. Dana keeps it neat as a pin. He stood just inside the doorway while mother parked herself on the chair in the corner. I hopped on the bed and sat cross-legged.

“Hello, Thomas,” we heard Dana say quite calmly.

“It takes me coming all this way to bring you home?” He was loud, all right. “You’ve wasted my time, you’ve taken me away from my job - you want us to think of you as an adult and you pull this nonsense. You’re coming home with me tonight.”

“Thomas, I have an apartment and a job. I couldn’t leave on such short notice, even if I was leaving. Which I’m not.” Her voice shook a tiny bit, but she repeated resolutely, “I’m not.”

“I’m head of the household while our father is on mission. You will obey me as you would obey him. You’ve become defiant and disrespectful and it’s time you remembered your place.”

“My place is here,” Dana said. “My name is on the lease. This is my home.”

He huffed a bit. “Letting you come here for college was the worst mistake our father ever made. He gave in to your whining. Spoiled little girl. Look at you. You’re wearing jeans. You have lipstick on.”

I could definitely hear that tremble in her voice now. “I’m not going, Thomas.”

“Pack your things-” He broke off abruptly. He must have looked around the room at that point and caught sight of our photos - on the end table, the bookcase, the mantle. “Who is that?”

“That’s my- girlfriend. Maris.” I hadn’t heard her speak those words so softly in a long time. My heart sank.

“Girlfriend? Friend. Best friend? Work friend?”

“My girlfriend.” Slightly louder. “Maris. She’s my girlfriend. This is our apartment. We live here. And we love each other.” She finished strong there. That’s my woman.

There was an alarmingly long silence. The trio of lurkers exchanged worried looks.

“You will come home," Thomas said with shards of ice in his voice, "and you will kneel and confess your sins to God before the council and the congregation and they will decide your fate.”

“I will not. I will stay here and live my life and let God and God alone judge me.”

“You repulse God. You are unclean-”

"Nope." I walked into the living room and glared at the hulking mass standing in front of my woman. The only similarity he bore to her was the red hair. He had none of her beauty or grace.

“The other whore,” He spat on the floor. He actually spat on my fucking floor.

“You do not use that word to describe my daughters.” Mother slipped over to Dana’s side.

“She is not your daughter. She might still be claimed by our father if she leaves this pit now and prays to have her purity restored-”

“Pray?” Dana said bitterly. “Pray? Thomas, I prayed to be straight since fourth grade. Eventually I decided God must like me the way I am. He made me. I believe He loves me.”

“God detests sins of the flesh-”

“He honestly doesn’t care,” said mother mildly.

“Don’t think you’re going to convince this one, mother.” I stared at Thomas. “Bit preoccupied with those so-called sins, aren’t we? Your type spends more time thinking about gay sex than gay people do.”

“Shut your foul mouth-”

“That’s never going to happen, mate,” Murdoc said casually, standing in the doorway. “You will never get a single one of these women to stop talking.”

Thomas sure had. He stared at Murdoc with his mouth hanging open. Somewhere along the line I guess I became used to his looks: the green pallor, the long nails, the general air of lightweight evil. His sweater was nice, though. Really set off the inverted crucifix necklace.

“It’s time for you to leave,” Murdoc said.

Now Thomas actually did remind me of Dana - the unhappy image of her backing toward the door the day I confessed my demonic DNA. 

Nobody was begging him to stay, though.

He turned to Dana. "Your name will be poison on our lips. You will be expunged from the church records. It will be as though you never existed."

"You needn't trouble yourself to return, then," Murdoc said. "Stroke of luck for us, I'd say."

With a final agitated look at Murdoc, Thomas cleared out.

Dana sank onto the couch with her hands over her face, sobbing. Mother just held her, letting that catharsis shit do its thing. I sat down on her other side and she shifted into my arms. Murdoc strode into the kitchen and I smelled coffee a couple minutes later.

Gradually Dana settled into those post-waterworks hiccups. Then she actually giggled. "His face. His face- when he saw Murdoc-"

"Saved the best for last," he said, setting a cup of coffee in front of Dana.

She kept laughing, and I wondered if she was going into hysterics. But she calmed down enough to pick up her cup without shaking. "That was amazing. He will never recover." She leaned back and sipped her coffee, finally starting to release the tension. She closed her eyes for a few minutes. Then she set the cup down on the table and stood up carefully. "You deserve cookies. I'm making cookies." She hobbled into the kitchen and pulled her mixer from the back of the counter.

Murdoc sat down on the chair. “I know what it is to have family who doesn’t understand you. My father made me dress up in silly costumes and sing- knew I was bound for stardom, you see, but he knew bugger all about me. I told him to fuck off so I could make the music I want to. Russ sells hot sauce. Noodle does- whatever it is she does. My witless front man talks to mushrooms. To your own self be true or some such."

“This is why family is who we choose,” mother said, her eyes never leaving his face.

“Is chocolate chip oatmeal okay with everyone?” Dana called from the kitchen.

“Anything you want is good, my sweet kitten,” mother replied.

“You have your pool, my mango,” Murdoc remarked, "but she has my favorite coping mechanism.”

******************

Dana’s co-worker Mads came over to hang out on the Wednesday after Brother Thomas’ failed attempt at missionary position. He brought coffee and a bag of three musketeers bars. They planned to binge the new season of “Academically Disinclined” that dropped last week.

“You’re welcome to watch with us,” Dana said, “but I know this isn’t really your thing.”

“Yeah. No, I’m glad you guys have a chance to get together.” I looked at Mads, who was ripping open the bag of candy and setting it on the couch between them. “She says she’s not sick of me hovering, but we know how she tells those sweet little lies.”

“That’s my favorite thing about her,” said Mads, as he picked up the remote.

“I was actually thinking I’d go over to mother’s,” I said.

Dana froze, a candy bar half-unwrapped. “What?”

I stood up and grabbed my coat from the hook. “I’m going to mother’s.”

“I’m the one with a cast but I think you may have hit your head somewhere along the way.”

I walked over to the couch to kiss her goodbye. “Have fun, baby. I love you.”

She caressed my cheek. “I love you too, Maris.”

I drove to mother’s and then sat in her driveway. Both of their cars were there. Urdek’s Mustang wasn’t; he must be tooling around the island somewhere with his kid. I tried to gather my thoughts and rehearsed what to say. That was of no use whatsoever. My brain and my mouth haven’t been communicating effectively with each other since as far back as I can remember. I’d have to wing that fucker.

I was granted a reprieve: Murdoc wasn’t home.

“I have no idea,” mother told me, as I could have guessed. “He left this morning. He’ll likely be back tomorrow. He’ll be home by Friday afternoon, of course. My sweet marigold, why do you want to see him?”

“I need to thank him,” I said flatly.

“Maris, that’s marvelous!” mother exclaimed.

“But he’s not here, so-”

“No, but can you stay for a visit, my lovely poinsettia?” she asked, a touch of pleading in her voice. “We could decorate for Christmas? The snow last night put me in a festive mood.”

I opened my mouth, sarcasm sitting on my tongue. Then Dana’s perfect, patient face flashed through my mind. She would. She would stay and make mother happy, because there was no reason not to. I took a deep breath. “Okay.”

We brought everything up, and spent the morning hanging wreaths and bows, putting candles in windows, and wrapping swags around the bannisters. She put holiday music on the stereo; classical pieces I remembered from years ago. She took me to see the Philharmonic every holiday season. 

When we were done, she looked around in satisfaction and smiled. “One thing left,” she said and strode into the kitchen. She made us homemade hot cocoa. Another memory from every Christmas past. After a sip, she dashed off to grab a bottle of scotch. I watched her pour a little into her mug, then grabbed her hand as she went to set it down. Her eyes widened slightly, but she added some to my drink as well. I tasted it and found it added depth and warmth. “That’s pretty good. I can see the appeal.”

We went out to the patio, and sat wrapped in warm blankets. She has a heater that she puts on as needed.

“My Leviathan suggested I should have this enclosed, but there’s a vitality to it that would be lost if I were looking at it through glass.”

I finished my cocoa and set the mug down on the table between us. “I like it better like this.”

She held up the bottle of scotch and I nodded.

“Watch this magic trick,” mother said. She reached up to break a freshly formed icicle off the edge of the roof. She stuck it in my mug and poured some scotch over it. “See how I bend even the forces of nature to my will,” she said.

I snorted. “But you can’t bend me.”

“To borrow one of your phrases, my peach blossom, you might ask yourself if that was deliberate.

I gave her a sidelong glance. “Was it?”

She sipped her cocoa calmly. “I could have had a far more docile child had I chosen a human father for you. A celestial was out of the question - intractable goodie-goodies. I chose a demon because I didn’t want a copy of myself. I wanted something to counter that.” She laughed to herself a little. “You’re exactly who I wanted you to be, Maris. But if I had ever let you know that for a second, you wouldn’t be.”

Mother broke off another icicle and poured a drink for herself. 

I was definitely feeling the effect of the scotch. “You think you know who I am? Come in here and say that.”

She smiled and shook her head slightly. “Contrary to what you think, I never did that. Everything I knew was simple mother’s intuition.”

“Well, do it now. I dare you. Pretend I booked you on your website.”

“Maris-”

“Just do it, mother. I’m not sending you a fucking invitation. Wait any longer and I’ll change my mind. Look at me.”

She did, and I’m not sure what she saw on my face, but I felt her begin to poke at the edges of my thoughts. She moved with softness, and I was reminded of the gentleness of her hands when I was sick as a child. She touched here and there, and then retreated as lightly as she entered.

“Well?”

“There’s nothing there for me, my sweet freesia.”

“The fuck? I’m empty-headed, is that what you’re saying?”

“No. No, it is not. But your walls are thick and high. You’ve been building them for years. I will not even attempt to break them, sweetheart. They are yours to break down, if and when you wish to.” She smiled. “Turn about, right? I invite you without hesitation.”

“I have no desire to see you and-”

“Maris, you are not the only one capable of creating barriers where they are necessary.”

I looked out at the vast white yard, all its edges and angles smoothed by the falling snow. “I suppose I’ll never get another chance, will I? I have the scotch as an excuse, not that I ever feel I need one.”

She may have encountered walls in my mind, but there were none in hers. There were doorways, some closed but most standing open. I felt peace and satisfaction. The knowledge that she had done her best with the gifts my grandfather gave her. I felt the certainty of her passion for Murdoc. Her joy in her obligations to her friends. Tender concern for those who relied upon her.

Shining above all of it like the brightest rays of light was her love for me, so overwhelming it took my breath away. My first instinct was retreat, but I held on. I saw myself as a baby in her arms; saw her face beam as she gazed at me. I saw her hold my hand as she led me into my first day at a carefully chosen private school, saw her smooth my hair before kissing me goodbye, saw her stand in the hallway crying after she left me. I saw her listen intently as I told her my troubles, sitting on the end of the dock. Saw her shiver and sip hot coffee while I cheered at a football game. I saw her pace through the living room in her nightgown, looking at her phone, waiting for me to come home. I saw her watch me cross the stage to accept my diploma from Columbia, flowers in her hand. Saw her hug Dana with the affection she wanted to give to me, accepting everything I was as she had done since the moment I was conceived.

I tiptoed out of her mind, and saw her face as it was now: soft and lined and filled with relief that I could see her - completely - without my cynicism, without my practiced disdain.

“Mother-” I whispered.

“My precious sunflower.” She stood and opened her arms.

And for the first time in I can't even fucking remember how long, I went to my mother and let her hold me. And I held her, too.

******************

“She never fails to amaze me,” said Uncle Lu.

“I can’t believe she invited me right in. And I can't believe she never came into my mind, not once.”

“I’ve been telling you for years you underestimated her.”

He had surprised me with this visit. News of Dana’s accident had reached his ears - probably via Druvoxin. He showed up at the apartment with a fruit basket and a bottle of wine. Dana was napping, so he took me to a little Italian restaurant.

“I always thought I was the only one who saw her clearly.” I poked a meatball. “I thought everyone else was dazzled by her.”

“I never was,” he responded.

“He isn’t either,” I remarked.

Mentioning Murdoc gets Uncle Lucifer’s horns in a twist. Metaphorically, of course. He finished the rest of his wine in one gulp and set the glass down a bit more forcefully than strictly necessary. “He hasn’t a clue what your mother is. No idea how precious she is.”

“Right,” I said. “I’m willing to admit there is more to my mother than meets the eye but how about you don’t make me throw the fuck up.”

“He doesn’t deserve her.”

“Evidently she thinks he does. My guess is she knows better than we do.” I grabbed another breadstick and thought about what I just said. This concept had never occurred to me before I spoke it out loud to Uncle Lu. “She knows him. She knew what he was capable of and she was right. And she supports the things he already knew he was capable of, like the musical.” I bit the breadstick and mumbled through the crumbs, “She’s never tried to change a thing about him but it’s not because he’s perfect. It’s just because she knew who he was. Knew there would never be any reason for him to change.”

“This is bewildering and depressing.”

“I guess you could say my feelings have evolved. Evolution is a thing, right? Some people say it’s a hoax you created, did you know that?”

“It’s a thing,” he said briefly. “Don’t try to distract me, Maris.”

“I’m not, Uncle Lu. I'll come right out and say it. I think I was wrong. A little. Maybe. He’s disgusting. And he’s irritating. And he’s a selfish ass.”

Uncle Morning Star nodded.

“But. He’d give me anything I ask. Simply because of my mother.”

“So would I,” he grumbled.

“But you have everything in the Lower Realm at your command. He doesn’t. He was dealt a shit hand, and he fucked up again and again. But he just kept going. He- finds a way to muddle through.” I started to rub my face with my hands and realized I was mimicking one of his habits. I laughed. “He’s infectious, and not just because of all the venereal diseases my mother is no doubt healing herself from. He’s made her happy and I didn’t care about that before- but I think I was wrong about that. I should care.”

“You’re actually defending him.”

“Is that what I’m doing? Holy shit.” I laid my head down on the table. “Yes. Yes, I am. Oh, fucking hell now I sound like my mother. I can’t see things just one way anymore, Uncle Lu. A lot of that is Dana, I’m sure. I can’t- And I can’t make things better by being- me. I guess. I can’t. I can’t give Dana what she deserves. And I can’t give my mother what she deserves, either. And god damn it - I can’t give Murdoc what he deserves. Because he deserves a fuckload better than what I’ve been giving him."

He sat back and looked at me in surprise. “You are the last person I expected to hear that from.”

“I’m the last person I expected to say that.” I amended, “Well, you’re actually the last person. I would have been second to last.”

******************

“Ah, yes-s-s. Your mother told me you stopped by. I’m sorry to have missed your very stimulating company.”

I nearly hung up. “Look- For once. I need to say something. And I need you to fucking take it seriously, okay?”

He was silent for a few seconds. Then he said, “I’ll meet you at Perky’s in fifteen.”

He was already there when I arrived. I sat down and tried to remember what I had planned to say. Fuck - that’s right - I’d never actually planned anything. No loss, then.

“I ordered coffee for you,” he said.

I nodded. Then I plunged in. “I never liked you.”

He raised his eyebrow. “You should warn a person before you say something so shocking.”

I sighed. “I’m struggling here. Give me a minute.” Our coffee arrived and I dumped a few sugar packets in. “Okay. The reason I went to my mother’s house - your house - the other day was to talk to you.” I looked up at him but he didn’t answer. “Well, what I wanted to say. I came there. To say.”

“Take your time. Refills are free.”

“Okay- I’m trying to say something and I don’t need you acting like an asshole. You’re not making things easier, here.”

He sneered. “You think I don’t make things easy? You’ve been prickly since the day I met you.”

“Maybe that’s because you’re such a prick!” Nice job, Maris. Great progress. “God damn it. I should have had Dana write something for me.” Deep breath. “Okay. That’s what I need to say. I need to say that I have been a prick to you. I know. I’ve been a hedgepig or whatever. I didn’t like you. I didn’t want you to be part of my life. I had no clue what the hell my mother found so appealing about you.”

“Again, illuminating information. Can we wrap this up or did you want to tell me the sky is blue and Double-dent is a twat?”

“Fuck. Fuck! I’m trying to say I get it now. I fucking get it, Murdoc. Jesus Christ. I get it. Look-” I was interrupted by the server stopping by with the coffee pot and a raised eyebrow. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” I pushed my cup over for a refill and then began dumping sugar in the fresh cup. “I get it now. Murdoc- I’ve been a pain in the ass and maybe you deserved it and maybe you didn’t. But you didn’t. Shit. You didn’t. Nothing you did had anything to do with me. You didn’t take my mother away from me or anything stupid. I’m not five. You know. I just didn’t want you around. I didn’t understand why you were there. I didn’t see one goddamn redeeming quality about you. And I knew who the fuck you were. I knew what a selfish bastard you were. I knew you were in and out of jail. I knew you were an ass to the dipshit. I knew all of this and could not comprehend why Ms. mansion-living scotch-swilling couture-wearing diva would want you of all people.”

“You know, I really hope there’s a point to all of this. My self-esteem isn’t exactly in jeopardy, but it’s a shame to think I wasted an afternoon on this when I could have simply thrown myself off a bridge. There are so many to choose from.”

“Murdoc-” Demon strength, remember? “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I treated you like shit when you never did a goddamn thing to me except exist. And I’m sorry I never thanked you for all the shit you’ve done for me. You didn’t have to do any of it. You did it because you'd do anything for my mother. Just like I'd do anything for Dana. I matter to you because I matter to my mother and my mother matters to you. And- well. Thank you. For both of those things."

He stared at me, his brows lowered. Then he sniffed and took a deep breath. He raised his hand and gestured toward our server. “Could you please bring us an obscenely large piece of chocolate cake?”

She nodded.

“Wait," I said. "Can you put two scoops of ice cream on that? And some strawberries. Cherries. And hot fudge and caramel. And maple syrup.”

She scribbled it down and turned, clucking her tongue.

Murdoc smirked at me.

I shrugged. "I'm a challenge, I'm told. Not about to sacrifice my reputation just because I'm nice to you now."

******************

Dana was proud of her brave little Maris. "I know that wasn't easy."

"It wasn't as bad as I thought, though," I admitted. "I think- I always thought I was the only one who really knew her and I was so mad that he seemed to know her better - and like her better. And I was pissed that she would choose him over Uncle Lu. But I think it wasn't even a choice, really. Sometimes it's just fucking meant to be."

"Funny you should mention," she said. She turned and pulled a little box from under the pillow.

“Dana-” I whimpered.

“Maris-” she responded in the same tone.

I flung my arms around her. “You’re insane! Do you know what you're getting yourself into?”

“I’m already in. I’m just making sure you never go anywhere. I want both of our names on everything.” 

She opened the box. There were two silver engagement rings, matched except for the stones: emerald for her and amethyst for me. She tugged out the one for me, and then handed me the box. I removed the emerald ring with trembling hands.

“I know it’s a break with tradition," she said, "but- I think tradition doesn't apply to us very much.”

I looked at her through tear-filled eyes.

“Maris, my complete pain in the neck who makes me happier than I ever dreamed possible, will you be my wife?”

I nodded, and the tears started falling. She slipped the ring on my finger, then kissed my hand. “Now it’s your turn. Feel free to modify as you see fit.”

I swallowed and looked down at the ring. I slithered off the couch onto the floor and knelt in front of her. “How can I follow that? Dana, you idiot. Are you really willing to put up with my shit for the rest of your life?”

“Believe it or not, I am.” She held out her hand and I placed the ring on her finger, then rocked back onto my heels to stare at it in utter disbelief. I grabbed both of her hands, and laid my head down on the sofa cushion and just cried. Instead of pulling me back up, she carefully slid down to sit next to me on the floor.

“Dana. I can’t believe this is happening. I fell in love with you on our first date. And I knew you would never, ever love me the way I wanted you to. I just knew it.”

“It’s so much fun to hear you admit you were wrong about something.”

“I even went to my fucking Uncle Lu for advice. That’s how worried I was about how you would feel and whether this would last- Dana, how do we know this will last? How can we know?”

“We know because we’ll make it last. We will care for it and watch it grow. Every day.”

I couldn’t stop crying. Dana rubbed my back until I calmed myself down. I wiped my nose on the hem of my sweater. Then realized what I had done and yanked it over my head.

“You see?” she said, “Our love is already being tested, you gross thing.”

“Since I’m undressing-”

She was already unbuttoning her blouse. “On it.”

******************

There was no rush. I'd have months to gleefully fend off my mother as she planned our wedding to be the event of the century. But I would make damn sure Dana had everything she wanted: frilly dresses with sweeping trains, acres of flowers, a twenty tiered cake.

I'll even dance with Murdoc at the reception, if it's what my beautiful wife wants.

Fuck, I'll do it anyway. 


End file.
